Suicide thoughts reached their peak in May, after the trip to Seattle & Portland. But after I completely submerged myself in those thoughts, they faded. By “submerged,” I mean that for over a week, the main thought in my head was “I want to die” and “I do not want to do anything.” These, unlike in April, were way more tangible thoughts. In April, they were just theories; in May, I thought “So, this is how people end themselves.”
I do not necessarily recommend this method of submersion to others. But from some previous experiences with meditation (in March/April), I knew that if I fully embrace emotions, they fade.
(This is one of the ways in which one can check whether one has fully accepted an emotion or not. If it keeps returning, it either wants more acceptance, or one hasn’t fully accepted it, to begin with. It is possible that one rationalized; logically explained; objectively comprehended–but those are all words that are different from acceptance. Or acknowledgment.)
Anyway, because of the previous experiences, I thought I’d let my suicide thoughts stay. The irony is that, when a thought is allowed to stay, one cannot look for ways to “solve” it. Meaning, I could NOT look up methods of suicide. I could NOT actually commit suicide. I could only let the suicide thoughts (and emotions) be. For that, I had to live!
And, just like other, less intense emotions, the suicide thoughts/emotions faded. I guess they felt heard. I did not try to get rid of them by “solving” the problem through suicide.
고막사람 continues, per usual.
아임 드리밍 is back with Season 5. I am watching all the movies in the book Noir Urbanisms, which I am translating with HW these days. It’s a fun theme!
Ya know, one of the tricky things with 아임 드리밍 is coming up with new themes for new seasons; perhaps I will let this be the structure for 아임 드리밍 from now on: watching/reading what I can from the ORCABOOKS book that is to be translated, talking about it… and once the book translation is completely, also talking about each chapter.
Sponge marches on. With Sponge, I do not contemplate what to talk about. I talk about anything I absorbed.
Both Ithaka’s Blog and 일기 moved to WordPress after all, in late May. This occurred when I realized that write.as does not hide scheduled posts. So long as someone has the exact url, even scheduled posts can be seen. And, I have a lot of scheduled posts. And I want them invisible to people other than me. Sometimes I edit until the night before the post goes live.
It’s unlikely that someone will have the exact url of my posts, but still. Moreover, some other benefits of WordPress are outlined in the Moving guide. The guide also states, “Emotionally, write.as has become a place of both intense joy and intense sorrow. Combine that with the above-listed practical reasons, and the result is that at this time, I prefer not to visit it daily.”
For how long will I leave the write.as blogs? I am not sure. I still have the 5-year plan for write.as. But presently, really, I cannot be there on a daily basis.
So, WordPress it is. The blogs now have a neat “Read a random post” button; and also, a search box; a previous/next post feature.
Oh, and I shaved my head on May 18. You can hear about it on this Sponge episode.