I have this weird feeling that I must write something wholesome. This is inconvenient, because inevitably, something 100% non-wholesome comes out, whatever “wholesome” might mean.
It doesn’t matter what the definition is, because the dynamic here is that I’m not successfully doing what I should be doing, no matter what. No one is telling me that I have to do “it,” it’s just me in this loop of “I’m not what I’m supposed to be.”
So it’s better to admit this non-wholesome-seeming thing. Then maybe after that, I will be able to write something wholesome–when I don’t have this weird nagging feeling anymore. The ideal thing never comes out of a desire to avoid something.